TITLE: Healing his heart. 2/4
PAIRING: Adam Lambert/Tommy Joe Ratliff.
RATING: G (this chapter)
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the boys, this is fiction and I only created this for fun. So have fun.
SUMMARY: He longs for Adam’s embrace, craves it. But Adam is a part of the problem. He is the god damn reason for half of the confusing thoughts in his disturbed mind. And the worst part is that he can’t say it.
Beta: I_glitterz. Thank you so much sweetheart.
Two days later, Tommy is done helping his mother, the garage is emptied, only the stuff that she actually needs was in there. Things were stowed away in the attic. And the few things that Tommy wanted after his father, were placed in Tommy’s old room ready for when he was going home. The last couple of days, Tommy had been strong for his mother, not once since the first day had he let his emotions get the best of him. But tomorrow, he was supposed to go back home to his apartment. And the feeling of leaving his mom all alone was just killing him; he just didn’t want to leave and he didn’t want to stay either.
Lisa was home today, she was in the kitchen with their mom. He could hear them talking in low voices, it felt comforting and at the same time oddly suffocating.
He had to get out, so he went out into the garden and sat down on the old swing, leaning his head onto the rope holding the swing. So many fond memories had taken place right here in this garden. His legs were making the swing move slowly back and forward. He felt the sadness creep up on him and he tried to shake it off, but this time he couldn’t. Tears were filling his brown eyes and he just let go. 20 minutes later, Lisa sat down on the swing next to him.
“Hey,” Tommy just sends her a shy look and nodded. He couldn’t speak; a huge lump was filling out his throat. Lisa reached out and stroked his cheek, wiping some of his tears away.
“Wanna talk?” he shook his head and his eyes watered up again. Just leave me alone Lisa!! I can’t keep it together right now, just fucking leave me ALONE.
“Do you want me to stay here for a while, just sitting here?” Tommy shook his head again.
“Ok Tommy, you know where you can find me if you want to share, right love?” Tommy didn’t voice up, just a nod.
Tommy was still on the swing half an hour later, his legs still moving him back and forward. But otherwise he wasn’t moving. The tears had stopped, but he could feel that they were still pretty close.
Lisa was looking at Tommy from the window; she heard her mom approach the window as she asked. “Is he still out there?”
“Yes, and he won’t talk to me, I was thinking that maybe we should call Adam, maybe he will talk to him.”
“That might be a good idea; do you have Adam’s number?” Lisa shook her head.
“No, but give me a second and I will get it.”
She walked over the grass towards Tommy. She handed her hand out.
“I need your phone Tommy,” Tommy handed it to her without a question. He didn’t even look at her.
She went into the kitchen and dialed Adam’s number. It rang two times and Adam’s velvet voice traveled through to her.
“Hey glitterbaby, you exited to come home to me again?” Adam asked with a smile in his voice.
“Sorry Adam, this is Lisa,,…. Tommy’s sist-” Adam interrupted her with a voice filled with concern.
“What happened? Is Tommy okay? I’m on my way,” Lisa smiled a little, feeling happy for Tommy, friends like Adam weren’t easy to find.
“Adam calm down, I am calling because Tommy finally let it hit him, but he won’t talk to us, maybe you could, you know, come here and talk to him? Will you?”
“I’m on my way, already in the car, I’ll be there in 40 minutes, don’t tell him I’m coming, though! He will be mad as hell if you do.”
“I know Adam, it is my brother we are talking about,” Lisa agreed.
Adam was standing on the lawn, looking at Tommy on the swing. Tommy was completely lost in heavy thoughts, the sadness showing so clearly, that it made Adam want to cry. Oh baby, what are you doing to yourself?
He slowly walked over to Tommy, unsure how to approach. He knew Tommy. And either he would tell him to fuck off, let him hold him tightly and spill his guts, or he wouldn’t talk at all. Adam desperately hoped for option number two.
“Hey baby, can I sit here?” Adam pointed at the ground right in front of Tommy’s feet. Tommy’s eyes widened as he looked at Adam. Oh, so that is why she needed my phone. She called Adam, sneaky little bitch. God it is good to see him.
Tommy nodded and Adam sat down on the grass.
“So, what is going on in that pretty head of yours? Care to share?” Tommy’s voice was shaky and hoarse, “Can’t Adam.”
“Why baby?” Adam brushed his hand against Tommy’s calve, trying to comfort and give Tommy a push in the right direction.
“Don’t have the words, too many thoughts,” Adam smiles a reassuring smile.
“Ok, baby. Why don’t you get off that swing and get down here, let me hold you for a while, hold you together?”
Tommy doesn’t answer; he bites his lower lip instead. He longs for Adam’s embrace, craves it. But Adam is a part of the problem. He is the god damn reason for half of the confusing thoughts in his disturbed mind. And the worst part is that he can’t say it.
“Common Tommy, I got you, you can trust me, you know that.” Tommy nods, his eyes water up again and the tears silently run down his cheeks. Damn it, I hate this, when the fuck am I gonna stop crying, this is embarrassing!
Adam reaches up and uses his thumbs to dry the tears away. Then he lets his hands wander down Tommy’s neck and further down his shoulders. Tommy trembles. He lets his hands rest for a while, and then he firmly, but yet gently, pulls Tommy off the swing and on to his lap.
He tugs his arms around Tommy’s smaller frame and holds him tight, mumbling sweet and comforting words. Tommy’s body shivers and Adam holds him a bit tighter. Oh God he smells sooo good…………….. Don’t go there Lambert. Don’t fuck it up. He needs you right now.
Adam let his hands circle on Tommy’s back, rubbing him, making him feels safe. Tommy closes his eyes and melts into Adam’s arms. He sighs loudly. I wish I could stay here forever, in these arms. God, I am so tired.
Adam looks at Tommy, his eyes are closed and he hears Tommy’s breath slow down a bit. Aw, my boy is sleeping, how cute is that. He smiles a knowing smile, and caress Tommy’s face letting his fingers linger on the cheekbones and then lips. He sweeps Tommy’s hair out of his eyelashes and tugs it gently behind his ear. Baby, if only you knew how much I want you to be mine. I would give you the world if you asked me to.
Mrs. Ratliff and Lisa are watching from the living room window.
“Look at them mom, they are just adorable. I didn’t know Tommy could ever surrender so completely. It is like…… I don’t know, but he really needs Adam,” her mother nodded.
“Common Lisa, I feel like we are imposing. Let’s get a cold drink and let Adam take care of Tommy for a while without us meddling.”
Half an hour later Tommy opens his eyes, he feels safe and warm. He gazes up at Adam meeting those amazing blue eyes. They are filled with concern and something Tommy can’t quite put his fingers on, because it was there and then it’s gone.
“Hi,” Tommy whispers as he straightens his body up a little.
“Hi yourself,” Adam says with a silky warm voice.
“Tommy talk to me, just lay it on me, I can take it! I can take you, all of you Tommy, you don’t ever need to pretend with me,” Tommy bites his lip, desperately trying to find out how to start. The tears start to float again. I guess I can tell him about dad, I don’t have to tell him about……HIM
“I don’t know, it just kind of hit me that he is never coming back, and I feel so stupid, because I knew that, I have for a long time. But being here…… home. It just hurts so much that he is not here…………….. And mom is here every day, how can I leave her by herself?” Tommy’s body trembled as soft sobs pushed their way out of his throat.
Adam holds him close.
“Sssshhh, it will be okay, everything will be fine,” Adam kissed Tommy’s temple, his fingers entwined in Tommy’s hair. And then he kissed his forehead and cheeks. Still whispering soft comforting words, like “you’re gonna be fine”, “I will take care of you”, and “I love you”. Tommy’s big brown eyes locked in Adam’s baby blues and he felt the mood change. The tears stopped running. The air became thick, time stopped.
Tommy stopped thinking and just moved up to reach Adam’s lips, and they kissed. They had kissed hundreds of times before on stage and off stage, but never like this. Their lips moved slow and soft against each other. Tommy sighed as Adam let his tongue lick his lower lip. Tommy deepened the kiss, letting his tongue explore Adam’s mouth. Adam moaned softly, his hands in Tommy’s hair was pulling him closer, Tommy repositioned himself so he better could feel Adam and snaking his arms around Adam’s neck. Adam tore his lips from Tommy’s and kissed him along his jaw line, mumbling sweet nothings. Tommy tilted his head allowing Adam to taste him, fuck this feels sooo good.
“Adam, please,” Tommy whispered into Adam’s ear. Tommy could feel Adam’s smile on his neck.
“Please what, Tommy? Stop?” NO, yes damn it, you are killing me here. I don’t….. It can’t be like this. I can’t be a pity fuck. I just can’t. And I can’t take advantage of him like that. I am the needy one here. He doesn’t deserve that.
Adam was letting his tongue trail along Tommy’s neck, thinking the lack of answer was a permission to go on. Tommy’s voice shook as finally answered.
“Yes, please stop, this isn’t right,” Adam immediately pulled back from Tommy’s neck. Fuck Lambert, you ruined it…what the fuck were you thinking about?....but I was so sure that he wanted this…..he KISSED me. Didn’t he??....... Didn’t he??
Tommy took Adam’s face in his hands and rested his forehead against Adam’s. He couldn’t look him in the eyes right now; he was so fucking ashamed of himself.
“Sorry Adam, I didn’t mean to do that, that wasn’t fair of me, I am just so messed up right now. I really didn’t mean to use you like that.” use me?! What is he talking about?
“It is okay, Tommy, ssshhh it is okay, let’s get you inside the house. It is dark now, and I am staying here until you are ready to go home with me, just let yourself be a mess for a while, I can take it, that’s what friends are for.”
The last 5 words shattered Tommy’s heart into a million aching pieces. Friends, such a strange word, I hate it, but then again I love it too.
Adam helped Tommy off the ground and put an arm around his waist. Tommy leaned in, resting his head on Adam’s shoulder as they slowly walked across the lawn towards the house.
Adam was in the kitchen leaning against the kitchen table, sipping on the coffee Dia had giving him 5 minutes ago, Tommy was in the bathroom getting refreshed.
“Would it be alright if I stayed here tonight? I would like to be here just in case!” Adam raised an eyebrow as he looked at her, a smile showing on his beautiful face.
“Of course Adam, you don’t need to ask! Let me get Lisa’s old room ready,” She was walking towards the kitchen door.
“Hmmm I was kinda thinking I would sleep in Tommy’s room,” Adam sounded a little insecure.
Damn it, I’m a grown man, don’t need to ask to help a friend in need.
“Oh…that is fine, but I don’t know what Tommy will say to that…. I asked him about you…..and him….. a couple of days ago….. and he told me that he loves you but that you were just good friends?!” wow…
“He loves me??” please enlighten me.
“Of course he does, Adam; you don’t really doubt that, do you. You are here, right! It works both ways you know, what I meant was that maybe he won’t be comfortable with you sharing his bed, since you guys are, “Just friends” she smiled widely at Adam as she winked at him. oh Adam you got it bad, I hope Tommy soon realizes it. Adam breaks a smile matching hers. You asked for it.
“That won’t be a problem, we have spent many nights sleeping together….. as friends….. Tommy used to fall asleep during movie nights in my bed.”
They both heard Tommy enter the kitchen and turned to look at him.
“Hey,” Tommy’s soft voice broke the silence. His mom looked at him with love in her eyes.
“Hi honey, it seems like Adam is staying here tonight,” Tommy looked at Adam, the gratitude was showing in his eyes, and he walked directly into Adam arms.
“Thank you, I really don’t want to be alone tonight.” Adam kissed Tommy on the head.
“Sure baby, I will be here, holding you tight….. all night long, or as long as you need me too.”