Title: The Silence of the Night.
qafmaniac made this gorgeous banner. Girl is made of awesome!!
Word Count: ~20,000. This chapter: 3,563
Disclaimers: The people you might recognize in here are NOT mine. I'm not making any profit, I'm only doing this for fun. There's no way this ever happened and so on.
Beta: aislinntlc Thank you for all your wonderful help.
Type: Romance with just enough angst to make it good.
A/N: I had some really incredible cheerleaders on this fic!!! I love you all dearly! And I couldn’t have done it without you! So THANK YOU!!!
Summary: A candle flickers softly and helps making the sound of the rain drumming against the window cozy. The light from it caresses Tommy’s face on the pillow; shadows and light move together and Adam follows their caress with one of his own. A content smile tugs at the curve of Tommy’s lips as he drifts off to sleep.
Getting up on an elbow with a hand under his cheek Adam gazes at him, and before he can even think about holding it back he whispers, “You’re so beautiful.” Somewhere in Tommy’s subconscious the words must reach him because his nose scrunches a little, like he’s denying Adam’s words just as he would be doing it if he were awake. Adam’s smiles lovingly and because he knows it’s safe, that Tommy is too far into dreamland to really notice he continues.....
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“I didn’t understand why it could ever be a problem that I loved you. I didn’t even think further than that. I think maybe it was because I was so jealous. Of Mike because he had your complete trust, and got to be there for you. I hated when your phone rang and you begged off to go talk to him in private and then come back, looking like you’d been crying. I even hated that Sasha and Brooke got all your cuddles. Sometimes I got really angry with you, but then we’d be on stage and you’d be your usual self, flirty and sexy and let me near you like nothing ever happened.”
Adam looks at the candle, it’s halfway burned down but it flickers softly, and the cozy light from it combined with the feeling of the man in his arms makes the memory less painful. A bump in the road and a road that led to this place, this bed and a night gazing at the person he knows, fucking knows he’s meant to spend the rest of his life with. He’s just got to figure out how to tell him that.
“I know it was just a matter of days before I couldn’t do it anymore and I had to… I don’t know… reconnect with you somehow, and the only place you’d let me near you was the stage so…”
Adam is silent for a minute, thinking back on that night. “Remember Providence? Oh man, your face when I said you liked girls. It should really have told me something it didn’t though. But when I kissed you… Tommy, you melted against me in a way you’ve never done before. That did it for me. Well, that’s not entirely true, seeing it on YouTube was actually the thing that made me realize that maybe, maybe you weren’t acting, but the scared and insecure devil on my shoulder kept telling me I was wrong. Thank fuck I chose to listen to the angel on the other shoulder instead and asked you. Though, I did my share of circling the hot topic before getting to it.”
“What?” Tommy asks, looking at Adam expectantly. When Adam doesn’t answer but raises a brow in question instead, Tommy sighs. “You’re lingering, that means you wanna talk but are too much of a chicken to just lay it on me. So?”
Adam chuckles out a little nervous laughter. “I’m that transparent?” He desperately wishes for a way to approach the subject he has on his mind without outing himself, so he keeps fiddling with his water bottle, screwing the stopper off and on in a way too telling motion.
“Uh huh.” Tommy pets the couch, silently telling Adam to sit down and get it out. Sometimes Adam wonders if they’re better at the nonverbal communication than when they’re actually using words. This is one of those times, and Adam’s mind is spinning.
Tommy bumps his shoulder against Adam’s when he stays silent, urging him to start speaking. “You know how the fans sometimes link us things?” Adam starts with a side glance to Tommy.
Tommy nods and raises an eyebrow mockingly. “Yeah? Did they link you porn or something?”
“Um… in some parts of the world it probably would qualify as porn, yeah.”
Tommy’s eyes light up and laughter and suspicion battle for dominance in his voice. “Really?” he says.
“Tonight’s introductions are up on YouTube and the usual speculation is blowing up twitter as we speak.”
Even though Adam isn’t looking at Tommy, he knows without a doubt the exact moment when Tommy realizes he’s talking about their shared kiss. Tommy makes a tiny sound that Adam hopes his brain is correct about when it files it in the category ‘happy’, but he think it is when Tommy sounds mellow and dreamy. “It was a hot kiss.”
Adam hates himself a little for being a coward and taking the safe road when he tries to get Tommy to answer a question Adam isn’t really asking. “Yeah and you’re a really kick ass actor.”
“I’m not, though. Can’t act for shit.”
There is a sad pang in Tommy’s voice and it makes Adam frown. “The ‘oh my God you didn’t just say that’ face you put on and then the knee buckle? I’d say you’re a great actor.”
Tommy snorts. “Keep telling yourself that. Whatever makes you happy Adam, but I’m sure if you ask any other person they’d tell you I’m transparent and glasslike.”
Adam’s head is all over the place. This could sound like Tommy was saying the exact thing Adam had hoped he would, but a long history of being infatuated with boys out of reach makes Adam doubt and second guess his own instincts to a fault. “Are you telling me I make you weak in the knees?” he asks skeptically.
“Obviously,” Tommy answers and rolls his eyes.
“But you’re straight?”
Tommy shifts his weight, turning around just a little and looking at Adam with an open and somewhat tired expression. “You’re the one that keeps saying that, but Adam when did we ever talk about that?”
“I don’t know?” Adam responds in a tiny voice, he tries to remember when they had such a conversation but he can’t.
“‘Cos we didn’t ever have that talk. You assumed because I had a girlfriend and guess what Adam, maybe you were wrong. It doesn’t matter, though.”
“Why?” Adam asks quickly, and when Tommy sends him a quizzical look Adam says, “I mean why doesn’t it matter?”
Tommy’s eyes darken and Adam sees pain in them, he’s sure of it. Tommy looks like he lost something precious. “We would fuck things up. You’re still convinced of my so called straightness and I need to convince you I don’t end up in your bed because I need to take my mind off things. But most importantly because you’re the one person I’ll never be able to casually fuck around with. You’re too important and I’m far too invested.”
Adam has no idea what to say, how to feel. The most present thought is that Tommy isn’t all that straight, that there might be a possibility for them, that Tommy isn’t as unattainable as he thought. The next is that Tommy at the same time has put up a full stop sign because he’s too invested. A million thoughts run through Adam’s head and he can’t seem to focus on one long enough to complete it and move on. “Wow… Wow. Tommy…” Adam’s voice trails off.
“Yeah,” Tommy says and Adam thinks that he looks just as lost as the night his father died.
“So what now?”
“I have no idea, Adam.”
“I’m sorry… I’m a little blown away. I mean you’re available, and hard as that might be to wrap my head around it’s even harder to understand that bad timing is actually cockblocking the both of us.”
“Why? You’re not to blame for anything. And I hate to say it but starting anything now would be really stupid. I mean, I’m too invested too. To just do the friends with benefits thing and you need time to get back on your feet again.”
Tommy looks at Adam as if he’s about to throw in the white towel or something, shaking his head. “Not exactly. I need you, Adam. I love you and I need you to stay in my life and I need you to truly understand that at some point. And until you do, we need some kind of boundaries.”
Adam feels like the secret code talk is in game again and it’s starting to really annoy him. “Boundaries? You wanna keep avoiding me as you’ve been doing ever since you came back from your dad’s funeral? Is that it?” Adam tries to hold the disappointment and pain of that thought out of his voice but he must have failed because Tommy covers his hand with one of his own and squeezes it lightly.
“No, just-- no more make out sessions. Stuff like that.”
“So cuddles and hugs are fine?” Adam prays Tommy will agree to that. He needs to be able to be himself around Tommy.
“Yeah, those are fine.”
Adam lets out a relieved sigh and puts an arm around Tommy’s shoulder and pulls him into a sideway hug, Tommy follows easy and pliant.
“I was so convinced you needed time to grieve, that you needed a friend much more than a lover. In reality it was more about my own insecurities. I was terrified to believe you, that you really wanted me, to realize you needed both. I almost succeeded in pushing you away, remember?”
Kind of lost in his own world, Adam dances to the loud music with a pretty twink grinding against him. The last couple of weeks had been all kinds of torture. And this is the fucking cure. It’s nothing but moving to the beat. It’s simple.
Adam lets his mind wander. He can’t figure out if he wants to kill Tommy half the time or drag him off to the nearest room and make sweet love to the man. They are both tiptoeing around one another, sending meaningful glances and small intimate smiles each other’s way but at the same time they never get any closer to a solution to the attraction. To their feelings.
The air has been vibrating with sexual tension for weeks now and one night Sutan had looked at them and sighed heavily, rolling his eyes as he left the room with a “You two! Please just do it and get it over with.” The sweet blush that heated Tommy’s cheeks had almost killed Adam, but somehow it also forced Adam to spend much time alone overthinking every little word and expression between them. He believes Tommy when he says he wants to be with him, but he’s still not convinced it isn’t the comfort of a friend Tommy is really seeking. Tommy has always been a touchy feely person and Adam thinks it’s more about default mode than anything else. So when Tommy is pushing a little, Adam is backing away, convinced that Tommy needs a friend more than anything.
Adam is dragged back to reality when the twink’s hand wanders south and brushes over Adam’s crotch suggestively. Adam acts out of pure instinct, his body so tight with sexual tension that any hand that isn’t his own will be fucking welcome, and pushes into the touch. The twink palms Adam with just enough pressure to make it good.
That’s when Adam feels it, the heavy weight of a stare. A familiar pair of brown eyes shining with resentment and anger meet Adam’s across the club before Tommy spins around and pushes through the crowd and disappears.
“Fuck,” Adam mutters under his breath. His heart is beating hard and frantically in his chest and for all the wrong reasons. Tommy had looked seriously pissed and Adam had no doubt the anger was very much his doing.
“Yes please,” the twink says huskily.
Busy with freeing himself from the twink, Adam apologizes. “I’m sorry. I need to go.”
“Now? It was just getting interesting.”
“I’m sorry.” Adam determinedly heads in the direction he saw Tommy seconds ago, but he only finds Neil.
“Did you see where Tommy went?” Adam searches the room, rising up on his toes to get the extra benefit of his height.
Neil frowns and looks at Adam demandingly. “What the hell happened? He practically ran out the door!”
There is no way Adam’s going to tell Neil anything, Tommy being in a bad mood is enough to juggle. He’s not willingly taking heat from Neil as well, and knowing his brother, Neil will side with Tommy in a heartbeat. “Do you know if he went back to the hotel?” he asks instead, still looking for any signs of Tommy.
Neil, the bastard, who fucking knew all along, nods. “Yeah he did, but judging by the look on his face I’ll bet it’s safe to say he doesn’t want your company. He’ll probably just call Mike if he needs to talk to someone.”
“Yeah well, he doesn’t get to decide that,” Adam says and turns for the exit. He’s finding Tommy right now and he’s gonna right whatever wrong he did. Adam is sick and tired of the way they keep avoiding to actually talk the way they used to.
Neil obviously knows Adam well enough to know what’s going on inside his head because he grabs Adam’s arm and says sternly, “Adam. If he needs to be alone then back off.”
“This has nothing to do with his dad. It was about me. I think I hurt him. Again! And I’m not sure why.”
Adam starts to walk off and Neil tightens his hold on Adam, stopping him effectively. At the same moment another hand reaches for Adam’s other arm. “Adam. Please wait,” the twink he was dancing with says pleadingly.
Neil’s face turns hard and any sign of empathy is long gone when he stares at the other guy’s hand on Adam’s arm. “Oh no, you didn’t!”
Adam doesn’t answer; he raises a daring eyebrow at Neil before he turns to the man in question and brushes him firmly but politely off. When Adam looks at Neil again, Neil looks like he used to do when they were teenagers and he couldn’t believe how incredibly stupid he thought Adam was. The mocking tone is the same as well. “Are you deliberately trying to ruin the best relationship you ever had?”
Frustrated, Adam runs a hand through his hair, he feels like he’s wasting precious time. “I don’t fucking have one! We’re not together,” he hisses. It hurts to say, he never wanted a relationship more than this one, but there always seems to be things in the way, his and Tommy’s.
“Sure you are, you just haven’t realized it yet,” Neil says, matter of factly, and Adam kind of wants to punch him in the face.
“Damnit Neil! For the last time we’re not fucking around. We’re friends!”
“Only because you’re as dumb as they get.”
Adam has had it, his patience has run out and he tries to leave, but Neil hasn’t let go of his arm yet. “Let go of me!” Adam says harshly.
Neil doesn’t falter though. “Promise you won’t make it worse than it already is.”
Adam snorts and pulls his arm to himself, using more force than necessary; he’s got nothing to say to Neil so he hurries back to the hotel, hoping he’ll be able to get Tommy talking.
When he reaches the door to Tommy’s room he knocks, hard. “Tommy!” It’s a demand. He wants to get inside and he fucking will.
“Not now Adam,” is growled back and Adam can hear Tommy move around, the sound of a slammed cupboard door tells the fact that he’s still beyond pissed. Tommy is not really the slamming doors type, he’s more the ‘I’ll pout and be moody till I get my way’ type. And he can work it like no one else.
Adam tries to reason with him. “Please open the door.”
“Go away Adam.”
“I just… I wanna talk to you.” Adam puts both palms on the door and rests his forehead against it.
“Yeah, well, I don’t particularly feel like talking to you.”
Adam takes a step back and stares at the door; he wonders how they’re ever going to get back to that awesome thing they used to have before that damn night, if he can’t even get Tommy to open the door so they can talk things out. He feels hope abandoning him and that’s when he realizes he doesn’t need Tommy to open the door for him, he’s still got the envelope with all the keycards that Lane asked him to hold onto a couple of hours ago. He pulls out the envelope and goes through the plastic cards until he finds the one with a matching number to the room Tommy’s in.
For a brief moment he thinks about the ethics but then he slides the card through the reader and the light turns green. Adam opens the door quietly and enters the room.
It doesn’t take Tommy long to feel Adam’s presence in the room and a mixture of disbelief and fury colors his expression. “Oh fuck you! You didn’t just do that! What the hell is wrong with you?”
Adam inhales deeply and closes the door silently. “Do you want to tell me what that the hell pissed you off like that?”
“Oh. My. God. You’re not that stupid are you? Jealousy is a pretty simple thing. That guy was all over you, groping everything within his reach and you’re asking me why I left? He had his hand on your fucking cock for Christ’s sake! Why the hell would I stick around to see that?”
Tommy’s eyes are burning with emotions and the force Adam recognizes scares him a little. “Baby I thought we agreed that you and I weren’t a possibility, that we would keep this- us! a friendship.”
“Do not call me baby right now and no! We didn’t! You said I needed time, well guess what?! I don’t! I fucking know what I want. I said you needed time to get your head out of your ass to see that I fucking want to be with you!”
Trying to be calm and not let the fierce passion Tommy puts in his anger ignite a similar one in himself; Adam keeps his voice low and gentle. “You also said you needed me and that we would fuck things up if we tried anything. You set up the boundaries, Tommy.”
“Because you don’t believe that I’m in to you! And yet I’m not the one fucking around, am I?!!” Tommy slows down and pulls in a few deep breaths, Adam sees how the passion he put in the argument is dissipating and leaving him all together before he continues. “I think it’s pretty clear who’s not in to whom.” He says in a defeated tone of voice.
“Seriously Tommy?” It hurts to hear Tommy say stuff like that. Adam knows he’s been pulling away, trying to do the right thing. He wonders if he’ll ever be able to stop hurting Tommy with all his good intentions.
Adam takes a few steps closer but Tommy turns his back on him and with his hands curled into tight fists he speaks quietly, the heartbreak evident in both his posture and his tone. “Gods I’m so fucking stupid! Here I was giving you time to realize what’s right in front of you, I’ve been throwing myself at you, shamelessly even, for a long time, Adam. I guess it’s time for me to just get over you and get on with my life, huh?”
“Baby!” Adam says. He can’t take it anymore, he doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do or if it’ll ruin everything, but he needs Tommy to know, really know how much he wants him, wants everything he can get from him. He reaches out and turns Tommy around, pushes him against the wall. Tommy looks at Adam wide eyed and a protest forms on his lips “Do not- Hmpf.” Adam swallows Tommy’s protest with a forceful kiss. It takes a second before Tommy responds but then it’s all teeth and tongue, hands roaming and clothes being pulled at impatiently in search of skin to explore. And it’s so fucking good Adam thinks he might be dying from feeling too much, too fast.
Frantically, Adam spreads kisses along Tommy’s jaw and Tommy whimpers. “If you don’t follow through this time, Adam I swear I’m going to kill you.”
“I will baby. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this,” Adam murmurs and pushes a thigh between Tommy’s. Tommy responds immediately and the friction his small thrusts create is fucking perfect, Tommy is hard and his erection is rubbing deliciously against Adam’s thigh and his own against Tommy’s hip.
Tommy pulls Adam in for another kiss; it quickly turns sloppy and messy and ends in them licking shallowly into each other’s mouths, sharing the hot air between them as they pant hard and brokenly, holding on to each other tightly.
Tommy’s head falls back against the wall and with a cry his body tightens and trembles and Adam’s own orgasm hits him unexpectedly and hard.
“Wow. I haven’t done that since I was a teenager.” Tommy grins and swats at Adam. “And if you tell me now that that was it and you’re sorry and it’s never going to happen again then I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do to you. But it won’t be pretty.”
Adam holds back his concern and nuzzles Tommy’s neck instead, breathing in his scent. When Adam doesn’t answer, wariness sneaks into Tommy voice. “Adam?”
Adam pulls back and catches Tommy’s gaze. “I’ll never be sorry this happened, Tommy. But I still think we need to take things slow, really slow, so we won’t mess it up.”
Tommy practically beams. “I can do slow, up until now I’d pretty much say we’ve been moving at a snail’s pace. But as long as we’re moving forward I’m good.”