Title: It's Not The End Of The World
Beta: aislinntlc. Thank you sweetie for all your help, it is greatly appreciated!
Artwork: qafmaniac. OMG bb, I love you so hard for this!!! And you know, for being you!
Word Count: 22.167 - 3625 This Chapter
Pairing: Tommy/OFC, Adam/Tommy Friendship.
Warnings: Adult Situations and Language
Rating: R - NC-17
Summary: Sometimes you find love the most impossible places. Sometimes life fucks with you, but then again sometimes you win.
Disclaimers: These people are NOT mine. Julia is my character, I created her. I'm not making any profit, I'm only doing this for fun. There is no way this ever happened and so on.
I had some really incredible cheerleaders on this fic – maggy_97 who was the first to tell me that she wanted to read Adam/Tommy friendship fic! She kept telling me that she would read the fuck out of it, when I was sure no one would ever read it. So honey, this fic is for you! I hope you’ll like it! I know you’ve been waiting a long time for it.
And then there is zoodlemouse13 who in the most wonderful way demands that I write when I get too lazy or something. Because of them, and a few others, who encouraged me, this is finally ready to be posted. \o/
Please do not link/copy/share/whatever this anywhere. Thank you.
A/N: If you're looking for an Adam/Tommy fic, this is not it. This fic is about being friends and Tommy finding love in an impossible situation.
Tommy is being pulled out of a dream about Julia. A wonderful dream, where Julia is kissing him touching him and seducing him in the sweetest way. He fights to stay in that happy place when he feels a thigh glide in between his. Kisses are generously pressed along his jaw and throat and he rolls his head a bit to make space. A hand caresses the skin on his stomach and pushes the t-shirt up. He arches his back, makes the slide of the t-shirt easier and chases that touch. Somewhere along the line his brain tells him that this is not a dream, it’s too good to be so and he forces his eyes up. Piercing blue eyes are staring at him intensely. Jules is laying half way on top of him and it’s her hand, her real hand, not a dream one, that makes his skin burn. It’s her real thigh between his legs and the desire in her eyes makes him gasp. He wants this, has been wanting it for almost a year, but this is wrong. It’s too soon to be about him.
“You’ve got such pretty lips.” She sucks her lip into her mouth and trails the seam of his lips with a finger. Her gaze burns and he fights the need to lick his lips and focuses to stay completely still.
“Jules,” he warns.
She keeps her eyes on his lips and whispers a “please.” Before she ducks down to kiss him.
Without permission his hands curl in her hair and before his mind kicks in he’s kissing her back, like there’s no tomorrow. It’s not an urgent kiss, like he kinda imagined it would be after nearly a year of longing. It’s gentle and searching and deep and it tears him open and raw. Julia’s hand explores his chest and he gathers enough sanity between nips at lips to pant out, “We can’t do this, Jules.”
Julia’s hand runs down his thigh and up on the inner side of it until she reaches his crotch. His stupid body commits high treason and bucks up to meet her hand when she cups him through his jeans.
“Yeah we can,” she whispers and kisses him thoroughly, adding a hungry edge to the kiss. When their lips part and she locks gaze with him there is a plea in there he can’t deny no matter how hard he tries.
“Make love to me, I need to feel loved, please Tommy.”
And Tommy does, he pours his love into it, his heart. And he breaks while doing it.
After, when she’s lying under him basking in the afterglow and his attention, then he kisses her, cradles her face and memorizes everything about her, puts it away in a safe place in his heart and locks it away, knowing this is never going to happen again. It’ll kill him if it does.
“Jules?” he whispers between soft lingering kisses.
“Please don’t ever do that to me again.”
“What?” she opens her eyes and looks at him like he just dropped a bucket of ice water on her.
“I can’t be that guy for you. I’ll be anything else. Anything you need, but not that.”
She tries to sit up but he pushes her back onto the mattress. She grabs on to his face and looks him in the eye. “What are you talking about?”
“Please don’t use me like this again. It will be the end of me.”
“Use you? Tommy I love you.”
He nods and presses another kiss to her lips, she opens up invites him in with a flicker of her tongue and he caves. One last kiss isn’t going to make a difference.
“I know you do and I love you too,” he says as he rolls off her and sits on the edge of the bed. He looks at her over his shoulder. “But you don’t love me the way I want you to. And that’s fine, I can deal with that, but this? This breaks me. I’m going to take a shower, then I’m gonna call Adam to come and stay with you.”
“Tommy.” She takes his hand, tries to hold him back. He lets her.
“I might need a little time before I come around again, but I will, I promise. I just need to regroup and so do you.”
“So that’s it. You’re just going to have the last say in this.” She sounds angry and he feels a spark of anger himself.
“Julia. Your husband of eleven years went out the front-door eight hours ago. So yeah I do.”
Tommy gathers his clothes and while he walks to the bathroom he calls Adam, telling him about the soon to be divorce and asks him if he can hold Julia together for a while.
Adam doesn’t ask why Tommy isn’t doing it. Tommy owes him his sanity for that and makes sure to be out the door before Adam shows up. He drives straight out to Isaac and Sophie. And somehow he survives his broken heart all the way out there. Sophie’s hug unleashes his tears and Isaac makes a bed for him in the guest room and stays with him until he falls asleep. The irony is nowhere lost on Tommy.
When Adam reaches Julia’s house he expects a crying heartbroken sorry excuse of a human being. Not a pancake baking freshly showered girl in sweats blasting NIN so her kitchen windows vibrate. He should have known she would react exactly this way. He shakes his head at the music and turns it off and goes to hug Julia. “Hi baby.”
She hugs him back fiercely “Hi.”
“Sucky world huh?” Adam says and Julia nods.
She releases herself from his arms and turns to flip the last pancake.
“I did a terrible thing and I need you to do something for me.” Adam feels like his brows might hit his hairline, he did so not expect that.
She waves the spatula and interrupts his question, “But before I tell you about that, I need to tell you about John and me.”
Adam hums agreeing, “I know, Jules, Tommy called. Why do you think I’m here?”
Julia makes a sad little sound. “I know he did, he was here when he called you.”
Thoughtfully she sets the table and feeds Goliath before sitting down. Adam stacks pancakes on his plate and pours coffee for them both while waiting for Julia to begin talking again.
“We’re getting a divorce. I bawled my eyes out yesterday.”
Adam looks at her and nods, silently telling her to go on. “I fell in love with this awesome person and was lucky enough that he loved me back. Life messed that up for us and that sucks.” The words comes tumbling out of her and Adam listens. “But the thing is that last night I was mostly upset about the fact that I’ve lost one of my best friends in the process. We can’t really say four nice words to each other when we’re alone. The love we shared died maybe six months ago and ever since we fought to keep the dream of what could have been alive. We clung to it like spidermonkeys but didn’t know how to deal with all the guilt and sorrow and anger between us. We didn’t want to hurt each other and ended up doing exactly that because we were too scared. It was stupid and naïve. And I’m sorry we didn’t know better.”
“So what you’re saying is you’re sad John can’t be in your life because you lost him as a friend?”
“Yeah. I’ve already cried a thousand tears over losing the romantic kind of love. This divorce, it didn’t just happen…it took us awhile to get here. We had to admit…. we had to let go of the dream of the perfect family, to set free the other person in this marriage. I don’t really love him anymore and haven’t for quite some time. I’ll be alright, I just need to find my feet. It still sucks, though.”
Adam nods, he thinks he understands. “I have to ask Julia and please don’t take this the wrong way but…. Did you ever consider to adopt or foster a child?”
“We talked about adopting, so many times. But John never really….. it hurt him too much, emasculated him somehow that he couldn’t be the biological dad, even if I wouldn’t be the real mom either. When it comes down to it, it was the same reason he couldn’t accept the idea of Tommy donating sperm. It wasn’t because it was Tommy. I guess I understand that, but it also hurt me and eventually it began to piss me off. I guess I was being a self-centered bitch who wanted a kid too much to really deal with his feelings the way I should have been able to. I hate that about myself, but it’s too late to change now.”
Julia looks so together that it makes Adam a little worried that she is putting up a façade, it must show on his face because she smiles thinly and says, “I’m alright, I’m not fine but I think the divorce will actually get me there. Both John and I need it. To let each other go.”
“And where does Tommy fit in all this?”
She shrugs. “That’s the thing. I don’t know, Adam. All I know is that he is not the reason any of this happened.” She looks at him sternly.
“That wasn’t why I asked but you don’t know?”
“No. I know I love him, I mean he’s Tommy.” She laughs a little. “I think maybe the man above decided I needed an angel watching over me and he sent Tommy to do the job, because really?”
She jokes, it’s obvious but Adam sees something in her eyes that makes his gut twist a little. “He’s no angel baby. He’s very much a man. Perhaps the strongest one I’ve ever met. But everyone has a breaking point.”
She looks away and Adam’s stomach twists painfully. Julia focuses on cutting her pancake when she speaks, “Yeah about that. I think I messed up and I need yo-”
Oh no no no no is all that runs through Adam’s mind. He fucking knew there was a reason Tommy asked him to show up. “Messed up? How? Why? Jules?” he demands.
She looks nothing but guilty. “He came over last night because I needed him here. I know it was selfish but I needed him, I needed him to do what he always does.
“What’s that?” It’s not that Adam doesn’t know because he does, but he needs to know if Julia knows too.
“Loves me without boundaries. He held me through the night; let me soak his shirt as I cried my eyes out over things that could have been,” she says quietly.
“Sounds like Tommy.”
“Yeah, I woke up to this gorgeous man in my bed. To this person that loves me so much he puts aside everything, everything for me, and I wanted so bad to feel loved.”
She won’t look at him and Adam realizes what it is she’s trying to get across here. Fuck. “Tell me you didn’t have sex with him.”
“I begged him to make love to me and he did. I’ve never felt this worshiped. I know I don’t have much to compare with since John is the only- it’s never been this intense before and to be honest he blew my mind.”
Adam puts his head in his hands and curses quietly.
Julia’s voice trembles. “When it was over he left me, asking me to never do that to him again, that it would kill him. That he needed space and time to get over this. That I broke him. Adam I hurt him, so bad. I swear I didn’t mean to.”
Julia reaches across the table for Adam’s hands. Adam twines their fingers together. “Fuck, Julia Morgan! What a mess you’re in. You sure know how to just dive in.”
She rolls her eyes. “I need you to find him, to be there for him, he needs you.”
Adam nods; he has a pretty good idea just how affected Tommy will be after this. But he needs to know Julia will be okay on her own. “What about you?”
“I’ll be fine, well no, I won’t but I’ll get by. I need you to do this for me. Please?”
She looks at him pleading and Adam nods. “I need to know one thing, Julia and no bullshit you hear?”
She agrees and Adam continues. “Are you in love with him; is that what this is about?”
“I don’t know, Adam. Do I love him? Yes! Do I want to feel like he makes me feel? Yes! But I’ve never ever let myself think about Tommy, or any other man for that matter in that way before, I’ve been married to John. I’m not sure what I feel for him, right now I’m confused and even though I was in love with him then he was right when he said it was too soon for me to really…”
“God,” Adam says. “There is no end to what he gives.” Adam takes his phone out and tries to call Tommy, but it goes to voice mail. He calls Isaac then, but gets Sophie instead. She confirms Tommy is there and Adam tells her he’ll be there as soon as possible.
“Call me?” Julia asks, “and let me know how he is? Please.”
“Yeah I’ll call, are you sure-”
Adam hugs her in the doorway and she mumbles that she’s gonna be fine, that she has tons of stuff she needs to do and that she is sorry. So, so sorry. And Adam drives off feeling utterly torn between his friends.
He hurries through his friend’s house and finds Tommy sleeping in a fetal position. Isaac is sitting in a chair close by and he meets Adam’s frantic gaze. “How is he?”
Isaac frowns and shrugs his shoulders. “He hasn’t said much, but I got out of him it was about Julia. I’ve never seen him like this. I guess you have when his father died but….”
Adam is not sure this will be anything like when Ron died. “How long has he been sleeping?”
“Half an hour maybe?”
Adam looks at Tommy who seems tiny and fragile lying like that, and back at Isaac. “You can..” Adam points at the door. “I’m gonna stay with him.”
Isaac stands up. “Is he going to be okay?” his voice is laced with love and so is the look he throws the sleeping Tommy on the bed.
“Honestly? I don’t know. But we’re going to do our best aren’t we?”
Isaac squeezes Adam’s arm. “Yeah. I’ll make you some coffee.”
Adam waits for Tommy to wake up by himself. He sits in that chair for hours. Isaac and Sophie takes turns checking on them.
When Tommy wakes up, his first response to seeing Adam sitting on the edge of the chair is disbelief followed by anger, but Adam kind of expected that.
“What the fuck Adam? I asked you to stay with her!” Tommy spits out as he pushes himself up into a sitting position.”
Adam keeps his voice low and lets all his love and care shine right through when he answers, “I know, she asked me to come here.”
Tommy stands up and looks at the door as if he’s thinking about running right back to Julia if Adam doesn’t. “She’s hurting! She needs a friend. Damn it I shouldn’t have left.” He takes a step towards the door and Adam stands up, very deliberately keeping his movements slow but stopping Tommy with his words. ”She told me, Tommy. Everything! About last night and this morning.”
Tommy whips around and stares at Adam. His eyes are almost black, fury disguising the pain Adam knows he’s feeling. “This isn’t about me!” Tommy yells. “I knew what I went into, when she—She’s getting a divorce, for Christ sake! I spent the entire night holding her, she was crying.”
Adam moves closer and keeps his voice soft. “I know.” He knows Tommy’s anger has nothing to do with him and he can take it all.
“She is getting a divorce.” Tommy says with less anger.
Adam almost whispers the words out when he moves even closer, he keeps Tommy’s gaze locked in his the whole time. “I know baby.”
Adam pulls Tommy carefully into his arms and Tommy finally lets go of the anger. Crying into Adam’s neck he says, “Adam It hurts, it hurts so much. I can’t….. I want…. I need her.” Adam holds Tommy close with a hand in his hair and the other one between his shoulder blades, trying his best to comfort him.
“I need her like a fucking drowning man needs the air. This is killing me, and she’ll never be mine, she doesn’t want me. She doesn’t want me.”
Adam thinks about the conversation he had with Julia earlier, “Maybe she does Tommy, but she’ll need time to-”
Tommy shakes his head. “No, Adam. She needed closeness, not me.”
Adam doesn’t know what to say; maybe Tommy isn’t all that wrong here either. “Shsss Baby, I got you.” He murmurs. “Let it out.”
“I don’t know what to do. I got a fucking glimpse of what could have been if I was someone else. I don’t fucking know how to…” Tommy’s crying stills a bit together with his words but he stays in Adam’s arms.
“I know.” He knows better than to tell Tommy it will get better, he’ll do that later. For now he’ll just let Tommy shatter.
They get through the day and Adam calls Julia, sugarcoating things a bit when he does. He thinks it’s his prerogative, there is no need in making her worry more, she’s got enough on her mind as it is.
Adam will never know how Tommy does it. After a week of pulling himself together he tells Adam that he is gonna drive by Julia’s and get Goliath on his way home, he promised to dog sit while her and John divide things and John moves out.
“What? She called you to pick up the dog? I can’t believe- ” Adam reaches for his phone.
Tommy looks a little rattled by Adam’s harsh voice. “What are you—oh no Adam, Jules didn’t call me there is no need for that.” Tommy snatches the phone right out of Adam’s hand and throws it on the couch. “I called her; I needed to know how she was doing.”
Adam looks at Tommy skeptically. “Why? Why would you do that?”
“Because I love her? Because I needed to hear that she’s okay? Why do you think?” Tommy sounds sardonic and tired all together.
Adam sighs heavily. He holds Tommy’s gaze and says firmly. “I told you she’s doing okay. You need to stay away. Damn it Tommy you have to let yourself heal and let me worry about Jules. I’ve been her friend my whole life. I think I can handle the task.”
Tommy’s eyes grow big as he yells, “This isn’t about what you can do. It’s about what I can do. And I can’t fucking stay away.”
Adam loses his patience and before he realizes it he raises his voice, too. “You have to, Tommy! You’ll never get over all this if you keep going back. You need to get back on your feet before you-”
Tommy tilts his head, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “Don’t you dare tell me what to do! I’m a fucking grown up. I can handle my own mess. I do not need you to make decisions for me.”
They’re both yelling and Adam hates it but he can’t, won’t, let Tommy be this self-destructive. “I don’t want to make decisions for you! I want to keep you safe; I want you to be happy again.”
“Then stop meddling. Let me do this and be there if I can’t handle things.”
“But I don’t want you to reach that point.” say Adam, throwing his hands in the air.
Tommy says in a calmer tone. ”Oh for fucks sake, have some faith in me. I know my own limits.”
Adam is far from sure, but Tommy looks so confident when he says, “Yeah I do. Besides I’m getting Goliath and going home. I’m not staying but it gives me the possibility to see her. I need to make sure we’re alright. You know after…?”
Adam doesn’t answer that, he just raises a perfect shaped eyebrow.
“I don’t even know why I told you. I hate fighting with you,” Tommy says turning away from Adam.
Adam walks over to Tommy and puts a hand on his shoulder and a sigh softens his voice, “I know, me too.”
Tommy snorts. “Then butt out Adam.”
“Okay…..” Tommy turns to look at Adam as Adam continues, “but call me when you get home?”
“I just… I need to know you’re okay.”
“Fine” Tommy shrugs, but in such a dismissive way that Adam doubts he’ll actually do it.
Adam gets a little smile. “Yeah, I’ll call you. Jesus! You’re making me feel like a kid.”
“I’m sorry, that’s not my intention, I …” Adam pulls Tommy into a hug.
“Yeah I know. You love me and all that bullshit,” Tommy mumbles.
“Exactly.” Relieved that Tommy understands Adam lets out a happy sigh.
“Love you too.” Tommy says quietly.