lovenhardt1 (lovenhardt1) wrote,
lovenhardt1
lovenhardt1

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day three...








My fears….

Losing my family. Sometimes when I look at my children or my husband I get filled with terror of losing them. They are everything to me. I think I could be in real danger of losing my sanity if something happened to them.

I fear getting scared of riding my horse. I’m not afraid of falling off of him. And I certainly don’t fear the pain if I should do so. My sport have already cost me a broken back and fracture of the skull and a whole other broken bones and several hand injuries…one where I lost a digit of the index finger on my right hand. But these days (dealing with my epilepsy) I fear getting into a situation on horseback that I can’t handle…and that could end very badly… not just for me but for others too and that is actually the essence of it.

Dying. Not death, I’m not afraid to die. But I fear the impact it would leave on the people that love me…. I’ve lost loved ones, I know the hurt very intimately and I really hate the idea of me being the course of such pain.

Losing a sense. Oh god, not being able to read. Not to hear music or hear the waves rolling onto the beach. Smell the warm dirt after a thunderstorm. Yeah that scares me….My son has very strong glasses and the ophthalmologist have warned us that in his teenage years he could be in danger of losing his sight. It wouldn’t be permanent. My sister went through the same, she had two days as a teenager where she lost her sight… I can’t even begin to describe how scared she was.

Losing my ability to open up and let people in. I fear being a cold and hard human unable to feel empathy and love.

Birds. Yeah yeah I know. Who’s scared of birds… well I am. I think they are beautiful all gorgeous colors and so graceful as they fly in the sky. But when they come to close I freak. I hate their eyes, they seem cold to me and I can’t read them like I can with other animals.

Losing my ability to find the good angle on life. I fear not being able to cope. I’ve had a messed up childhood and my way to survive that was to find the positive and focus on that. Make that bigger than the bad parts. I’ve never blamed my mom or dad. They were the best parents they knew how to be. I’ve always had the thought that it’s my own responsibility to make the best out of my life. To rise above it. I rarely have problems; I do however run into a lot of tasks that needs solutions. It is so much a part of me that I scare myself when I once in a while can’t find it. I have people around me that holds me together so it’s all good. But I still get scared.

Pursuing my dreams. Making a living out of horses again. I was good at it, really good at it. Got headhunted to a stable in Germany when I was a teenager. I’m still good! I get asked to return to the sport all the time and right now I actually have the responsibility to rebuild an injured stallion back to Grand prix. But that world is all time consuming, if I do it probably and as I want it, it leaves nothing for my family. So yeah….

 



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