Ratings: PG to NC-17 depending on the chapter
Word Count: 4335 (this chapter)
Disclaimer: This isn't real. It's make believe, just for fun.
Warnings: Angst, cursing, sex.
Summary: Some times the road is really long and painful but so worth the bumpy ride.
Authors note: I ship Adommy and this is an Adommy fic. In real life I am all for Adam's and Tommy's happiness. No matter who they might choose to be happy with! I am NOT hating on Sauli, not even in this fic!
Beta: My wonderful friend I_Glitterz. Thank you so much honey.
Around noon the next day, Adam knocks on the door leading to Isaac and Tommy’s room. He is not too sure about why he is there, Tommy usually drops by him, but he feels like there is something he needs to get clarified. Isaac opens the door; he is wearing pajama pants and a t-shirt. He looked like the fun he had last night finally caught up with him, but as he sees Adam a wide smile light up his face.
“Hey Adam, what’s up?” he moves away from the doorframe, inviting Adam in. Adam takes a long look as Isaac's face before entering the room. He looks around, and somehow he gets very happy when he sees the two beds apart and the bed tables right where they are supposed to be. Not that it necessarily means anything.
“Tommy here?” a little secret smile runs over Isaac’s lips before he answers.
“Nope, getting me some greasy food and a couple of beers to repair from the hangover, the least he can do for getting me THAT drunk last night!!” Adam turns around and stares at Isaac, who thinks Adam looks like he is contemplating on something very important.
“Can I talk to you?……. About Tommy?” he looks a little like it was painful to ask, like he crossed some very clear lines in the sand. Isaac furrows his brows, thinking about how to answer.
“It depends…….” He gestures with his hand letting Adam know he can sit down on the bed.
“You are free to talk Adam, I will listen….. but don’t ask me to….. “
“I won’t, I don’t want you to betray his trust….ever,” Isaac nods.
“Then we are on the same page,”
Isaac sits down beside Adam. He is doing his patience thing again, just waiting for Adam to spill the reason why he is there. Adam looks a little nervous, which make Isaac happy; maybe he actually succeeded in rattling his cage a little yesterday.
“I don’t know where to begin……. It would help me so much if only I knew how much he tells you….” Adam palmed his face. “Damn it, sometimes he make my head spin..” Isaac notices Adam tense before asking the next question.
“Are you guys….. fooling around? I mean, I know that basically it is none of my business……but are you?” the last part of the question came out almost as a whisper. Isaac was having victory dance in his head, which made it kinda hard to stay still. But he does.
“You’re right! None of your business! It is not like ‘the property of Adam Lambert’ is tattooed on that none existing ass!!! Tommy is one of my closest friends, he is…Tommy. The most touchy feely guy I have ever met next to you, that is, but…. No Adam, we are not fooling around but I guarantee you that if I was the gay one here, I would get me some of that cute ass, because that guy is a keeper if I ever saw one,” Adam raises his head and seeks Isaac’s eyes. Isaac sees the vulnerability in Adam’s and reaches out to put a hand on Adam’s knee.
“Oh…….. but Tommy isn’t gay, he is just…… I don’t know…… such a kitty,” Adam says, his brain feels like goo, and he tries so hard to come up with a coherent thought. But his brain just won’t collaborate. It is so fucking frustrating when that happens. Isaac decides it is time for asking questions himself.
“Have you ever asked Tommy…… if he finds guys attractive?” Adam looks stunned.
“No, but I have never heard him talk about guys like that and when we first met he was dating a chick.”
“That is like reading a book by its cover! You KNOW Tommy, he hate labels. He told me you know, about the agreement you two made, the boundaries of your friendship, not letting it go any further,” Adam dropped his jaw, he could literally feel it hit his chest.
“Why did you guys do that, if you don’t think Tommy is into guys??”
“Mostly, to make sure I wouldn’t get hurt, I guess, I needed to make boundaries, because it really doesn’t make sense falling for the straight boy. Major heartache potential there! And Tommy is a guy I could fall in love with big time……. And I needed him to feel safe, so he wouldn’t think…… I don’t know. I just wanted to make sure that, me loving him was safe! That he didn’t owe me anything. Because that is how he is…… he thinks weird stuff up in his head, he just wants everybody to be happy and he fucking gets out of his way sometimes to please others. I didn’t want him to give away something that didn’t belong to me,” Isaac cut of Adam’s rambling with a pat on his knee; Adam raised his eyes, meeting Isaac’s.
“Could or did??”
“HUH,” Adam looked puzzled. What was he talking about? Isaac frowned and explained.
“Could you or did you fall for him Adam?” once again shock stroke Adam, Isaac had never been so direct before. And honestly he didn’t know what to do with it. Adam is a pretty open guy but sometimes things are better left unsaid. If you say it out loud you have to deal. But he could see that Isaac was pretty damn serious. He wanted a straight and honest answer.
Isaac’s phone signaled an incoming text, he looked at the message, and sighed.
“He is back in a minute, and judging by the look on your face Adam, you are not ready to answer that question. But let me tell you this…… if you’re in love with him, DO something about it. If you’re not…. don’t play with him if you don’t mean it, that’s just cruel…….. and don’t tell him about your dates……. I am pretty damn sure he doesn’t tell you about his sex life. If he can keep it under the radar, then I’m sure you can too!” Adam had no idea how to respond to that, and he didn’t get a chance to get his brain wrapped around what Isaac had said, because they could hear Tommy at the door, hollering at Isaac to open the door because he had his hands full off junk food. Isaac gave Adam his best `you-better-behave´ look when he opened the door for Tommy. Adam nodded. They understood each other.
Tommy hurried into the room. The scent of burgers and fries following him, he put down the bags and the six pack and turned to face Isaac….. and Adam?? Tommy’s face lit up, and he felt those damn butterflies flash a little in his stomach, damn it he couldn’t help himself.
“Hey Babyboy, missed me so much that you couldn’t wait for me to come by later?” Tommy’s eyes show how happy he is to see him. Adam shrugs his shoulders; Isaac’s words are still messing around with his ability to speak. And he really tries to get it together, he does. But then Tommy comes closer, tilting his head and his brown eyes search Adam’s blue for answers to Adam’s loss of words. He let his knuckles caress Adam’s cheek.
“Something wrong? Adam?” Adam really can’t speak, he feels like Tommy invades every part of his being, his heart is pounding so fucking loud in his chest, that he is sure Tommy can hear it. So he just shakes his head, and pulls his eyes away from Tommy’s. He tries to put all of his focus on Isaac.
“So, I will leave you guys to eat and recover. See you at sound check,” he thanks god for the return of his voice and heads for the door, he needs to get out of this room, right now. He doesn’t get far though. Tommy’s long fingers snatch around his wrist. His thumb moves ever so lightly over Adam’s pulse.
“You’re sure? Are we fine?” Tommy’s eyes filled with concern and questions, lots and lots of questions. Adam feels like he is going to choke on the words he is about to speak, because they are not fine, not at all. He is scared senseless.
“Uh huh, we’re good,” and then he is out the door.
“What the fuck was that about?” Tommy mumbles to himself.
He slowly moves towards the food, his head filled with confusion, he grabs the bag and unpacks it, making sure that Isaac gets what he wanted, pops the beer and take and swallow three times before putting it down again. Isaac just waits for his reaction, knowing it will come. Tommy eats and doesn’t say a word. He suddenly looks up, starring at the door.
“Shit! He fucking knows! FUCK. Isaac what did you do? What the hell did you say?” Tommy looked hurt and a little relieved. Isaac kinda knew he would be. Carrying around a secret like Tommy’s gets to you one way or the other.
“I asked him an important question. And I told him that he should not play with others feelings. Nothing more than that,”
Tommy was gnawing on his lip. He was thinking Isaac could almost hear the wheels in his brain turning. He got off the bed, sighed heavily and looked at Isaac. Determination was written all over his face.
“I need to go fix this, don’t go anywhere, might need you to pick up the pieces later!” the door closes behind him.
Tommy rushes down the hallway; his head is filled with different outcomes of the conversation he is about to have with Adam. When he reaches the door leading to Adam, his hand curls up and he knocks three times, hard. God, he just wants this to be over with, he has no idea what he is going to say, just got to play it by ear he figures. He desperately needs to fix this no matter how, they can’t be awkward like this, they just can’t. But he was so not ready for what happened.
The person answering the door wasn’t Adam. It was the blond from yesterday. It hit Tommy like a sledge hammer. He felt how the air got kicked out of his lungs, as his hand dropped along his side.
Sauli smiled to Tommy, opening the door wide. He reached out his hand to Tommy, but Tommy didn’t take it. Not because he wanted to be impolite, he just didn’t know how to react.
“Hi, you’re Tommy, right? I am Sauli, come on in. Adam is in the shower, but he will be right out,” he gestured with his hand, inviting Tommy in.
Tommy shook his head and took a step backwards.
“No, I didn’t mean to interrupt, didn’t realize he had company, I’m sorry,” Tommy turned. The only thing in his head was to get the hell out of there. But Sauli’s voice stopped him in his tracks.
“Don’t be silly, and you know he will not appreciate it if I tell him you were here and left without seeing him, please come in,”
Tommy looked at the other man for a second or maybe a minute, he didn’t know, but Sauli took his arm and dragged him inside Adam’s hotel room. Then he went through the room and knocked on the bathroom door as he announced that Adam had a guest.
Tommy stood as a paralyzed rapid deer caught in the headlight of a car. He just wanted to disappear into the thin air. Sauli returned to Tommy and gently guided him to the couch. Tommy slowly sat down, still thinking about ways to get the hell out. Fuck his life, fuck it twice; this was his damn luck.
Sauli sat down next to him, eyeing him. And since it was pretty clear that Tommy wasn’t the one to start the conversation he decided to break the awkward silence.
“Adam tells me great things about you, so easy to hear how much you mean to him. I am pleased to finally meet you,” Tommy shot a shy look in his direction and bit his lip, damn it he wasn’t good at this, making small talk.
“yeah?..... nice to meet you too,” that wasn’t the entire truth, but then again what the hell was he supposed to say? Sauli sneaked a peak at the bathroom door. Adam had said that Tommy wasn’t the most talkative guy on the planet, but this was getting a bit awkward.
The silence between them grew stronger and Tommy started to fiddle with the hem of his t-shirt. This was going to kill him, he had no idea what to say to Adam, and it sure as hell didn’t help that there was a third person there. Finally Adam came out; he was humming a song but stopped as he saw who was there. He really didn’t expect the guest to be Tommy. Trouble.
Tommy got on his feet, when he saw the look on Adam’s face, clearly he wasn’t the person Adam wanted to see right now.
“I am sorry Adam, I just wanted to talk to you, but you have company and I just need to get out of the way so……. I guess we can talk later…… in the bus or something,” Sauli interrupted, he didn’t exactly know what was going on but it was clear as crystal to him that these two needed to talk things over. The tension in the room was so thick that you could cut it with a knife.
“I am gonna go for a walk, I will be back in 30 minutes or so, talk to each other,” he picked a jacket up from the back of a chair and began putting it on. Tommy panicked.
“No really, we can talk later, don’t want to mess up the time you two have left, it is fine…..really,”
Sauli carefully smiled at Tommy.
“Tommy, I don’t know what this is about….. but friendships are forever, lovers, well they come and go. The priority is you guys, okay?” he turned to look at Adam and gave him a little wave.
“Half an hour, and I will be back?!” Adam nodded keeping his eyes on Sauli until the door was closed after him.
Adam didn’t want to look at Tommy; he really didn’t want to deal with all of the confusion and want he felt towards Tommy at this moment. Tommy felt like he had to do something, anything. Just to get some of the tension out of the room. He was gnawing on a chipped nail and trying to come up with a smart comment to deflate the giant elephant in the room, when Adam finally looked at him. Tommy took a step closer to Adam and then stopped. They were standing like this for a long time, neither one of them sure how to open up. Adam caved to the silence first.
“Why are you here Tommy? And please don’t bullshit me,” Tommy’s breath hitched. He felt like somebody slapped him across the face. He swallowed hard. Guarded, he searched Adam’s face for some kind of affection, but whatever he was feeling or thinking he was hiding it pretty damn well.
“I just….well it is MY problem, not yours. I’ll be okay, all I ever want for you are to be happy, and if he makes you happy, then I will learn to love him too, or I hope I will,” Confusion and frustration ran over Adam’s face.
“What are you talking about Tommy?” Tommy took a step more towards Adam. Damn he needed to feel Adam close to him, and it was such a bad idea, so God damn self-destructive so once again he stopped in his tracks.
“ME, felling all these stupid things! But I will get it under control again, it just threw me out of orbit for a while, that you found a boyfriend. Just don’t worry about it, I will be fine. Just need a little time to adjust, that’s all,” Adam felt his heart drop to his stomach, was he actually saying what he thought? He looked at Tommy; he looked so uncomfortable and was it stubbornness he saw?
“So you have….feelings for me?” Tommy nodded.
“What kind of feelings?” Adam asked. Damn his stomach was curling up into a big fucking knot.
“Does it matter?” Tommy looked away, suddenly finding the carpet very interesting.
“Yes Tommy, it does,” He felt like he’s entire being depended on the answer.
“Can’t you just leave it? please?” Tommy squirmed under Adam’s gaze, fuck him; did he really need to jump on his heart too? So not fair.
“No Tommy I can’t, I just found somebody pretty amazing and I can’t throw it all away because you……” Adam wanted to explain so much, that he was scared of how Tommy made him feel, that he wanted Tommy, desperately and had for a long time, but the words escaped him. Either that or he just didn’t have the courage to put it all on a line.
“Never asked you to!” Tommy sounded frustrated, even annoyed.
Adam closed the gap between them. Tommy felt the warmth coming from Adam, his scent filled his nostrils and he let it intoxicate him. This was all kinds off bad. He tried to move away but Adam put a finger under his chin, lifting it, demanding eye contact, holding Tommy back, not by force, but by pure presence.
“But….. why did you just tell me…..” Adam fought to find the right words, but Tommy’s eyes nearly killed him. He looked so vulnerable.
“Because I couldn’t keep it together yesterday…… and because the way you behaved before….. I kinda figured you found out,” there you go! Have it all. You fucking own me. Asshole.
“So Isaac……. Tommy, are you attracted to men?” Adam didn’t actually know if he wanted to know the answer to that question, it could be a fucking Pandora’s box. What would he actually do if Tommy one day felt in love with another man….
“Not in general, no,” Adam didn’t realize he had been holding his breath before it came out all shattered.
“So….. that makes me?” Adam felt how drawn he was to those fucking kissable lips of Tommy’s.
“Uh huu,” Tommy sucked his lower lip in and started chewing on it. The sight nearly pushed Adam over the cliff.
“I really want to kiss you right now, can I?” Tommy put his forehead on Adam’s shoulder, and without thinking about it his arms were around Adam’s waist. Adam pulled him a little closer, and closed his eyes as he rested his head against Tommy’s.
“No, bad idea, I’m kinda trying to recover, remember? And beside you have a responsibility towards Sauli,” the muffled sound of Tommy’s voice sounded fragile. Adam frowned at that statement, he had what he always wanted in his arms right now, and letting that go again was….. pretty damn hard. Even though, he was terrified of holding on to it as well. Life sometimes is a cold hearted bitch.
“I know but –” Tommy cut him off.
“No ‘buts’ Adam, maybe it’s a good thing that tour is almost over, I need some time without you in my face, because I need you to keep being my friend. I want you to always be a part of my life, and right now that just feels like a struggle,” Adam felt his heart shatter; Tommy needing space, that much was nearly too much to handle. But maybe space wasn’t such a bad thing. If Tommy seriously meant that this was just a phase….. then maybe they both needed to back off a little.
“What about the last couple of shows? Do you want,” Tommy interrupted again, trying to convince Adam that everything was fine, that he was fine. God, how he hoped that for once, he could pull off a lie.
“No, not at all. We don’t change a thing, I’ll be fine. We have been doing it forever, it’s not a problem,” Thank god that Adam wasn’t looking at him. Adam’s fingers ran over Tommy’s hair and down to his neck. Tommy gritted his teeth, doing his best to suppress a shiver.
“Okay,” Adam felt defeated.
“I need to get back to Isaac, he is waiting for me,” Tommy tried to release himself from Adam, but Adam just holds him tighter. He doesn’t want to let go. He has the feeling that if he let him go now, then he will never get him back. And Adam isn’t ready to deal with that thought.
“Tommy,” it comes out as a whispered plea. Tommy sighs violently; he moves his hands onto Adam’s chest, resting them. The plea in Adam’s voice is doing all kind of stupid things to his already abused heart, and right now he hates Adam for that. For the power to give him hope when he knows it isn’t real. He just needs to get back to Isaac. He needs to hide from the rest of the world. He needs somebody to take care of him for once. He tries one more time, and his voice begs.
“Adam you have to let me go,”
“Don’t wanna,” Adam knows he is being selfish, and he hates that, but he just can’t let go. He can’t, it is as simple as that.
“Let. Me. Go.” Tommy pushes against Adam’s chest, first gentle, but when Adam doesn’t let go, he puts his arms into it. Letting Adam know he means business.
Adam loosens up his hold on Tommy, but lets a hand take a firmly grip around Tommy’s hand. The door opens and Sauli pops his head in, finding out if it is okay to come in. Tommy smiles a little sad smile and with a look on Sauli he says in a soft tone.
“He is all yours, thank for giving us the time to sort things out,” Adam tries to hold on to Tommy’s hand just for a second longer, but he pulls it away and hurries out the door. Adam feels like he just lost the best fucking thing in the world, when he hears the door close behind Tommy.
Tommy walks through the empty hallway, feeling almost numb. So now the cat is out off the bag. Now it is time to move on, pity he has no idea how to. He reaches his own door and goes inside. He closes the door and lean his back on it, gliding down until he hits the ground. Isaac sits down beside him. He looks at Tommy but for once Tommy’s face doesn’t show his feelings. So Isaac asks while keeping his voice light.
“So did you fix things?”
“Yeah, I told him that I am okay, that he doesn’t need to worry. I will get a hold of myself and stop being an asshole to him, I even told him I will make an effort to becoming a friend to Sauli, so we’re good. Just need a little time to recover from whatever this is…” Tommy sends Isaac a slight smile.
Isaac doesn’t know what to say but damn it he gets frustrated. He gets on his feet and look down at Tommy.
“Are you telling me that you guys aren’t together now? Did he turn you down…for real Tommy?” Tommy meets Isaac’s glare and shrugs.
“He wanted to know my feelings and he told me that Sauli is a pretty amazing person. Which I believe……..he is with Sauli…..where he is supposed to be.”
“He didn’t tell you how he feels about you????” Isaac shook his head in disbelief.
“Does it matter? He is with somebody else,” Tommy resigned. He didn’t even want to think about that whispered `Tommy´. Isaac threw his hands in the air out of pure frustration.
“Tommy, for a bright guy, you sure set the standard for stupidity!!!” Tommy couldn’t believe Isaac. What the fuck was that supposed to mean? He came back here for support, and this was what he got, an insult??
“What the hell man???” Isaac held out a hand for Tommy, Tommy didn’t take it.
“Huh?” Isaac offered Tommy his hand again, this time Tommy took it and Isaac pulled him off the floor.
“I want to show you something!” Isaac showed Tommy in the direction off the mirror.
“Look! Tell me what you see,” Tommy met Isaac’s look in the mirror
“What am I looking for?” Isaac sighed. Damn it he was close to giving up.
“Describe yourself!” Tommy did but still without a clue to why the fuck he was given this task. Again Isaac sighed.
“How does Sauli look? Remind you of someone?? Blond, slim, half a head smaller than Adam, cheekbones……the only thing missing is the deadly brown kitty eyes!!” surely the penny would drop now, right? But no, confusion was the only emotion in Tommy’s eyes.
“I really don’t know where you are going with this, enlighten me please!” he was getting tired of this game and just wanted to get back to licking his wounds. Isaac was just about to lose his famous patience.
“He look a lot like you Tommy, I am telling you that guy is a replacement for you!! And I am sure he is a nice guy, but I really don’t care. He is a substitute!! You need to stop putting other people’s wishes before your own and start thinking a little about yourself. You got to fight for what is yours. Stop being such a pushover Tommy, it is killing me. FIGHT FOR HIM.”
Tommy turned to face Isaac; shock was probably the best way to describe his facial expression. But something began to dawn on him.
“Yeah…and that is why you set the standard for stupidity my friend.”
“Oh,” Tommy walked to the bed on flopped down on it, the knowledge that Isaac just passed on to him was spinning around in his head. Isaac smiled. Finally Ratliff. Finally.